i am not alive

i have not been alive for a while

i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive i am not alive

i am not alive and i have not been alive for a while and everyone either responds with concern or laughter when i say this, as if i am a fucking charity case or telling some sort of joke. i died on june 28th, 2025, and reported my death as a failure though i know in the certainty of my heart that it was not. i am a rotting corpse that is somehow managing to patrol around and be seen as human by those i choose to let see me. the illness i am riddled with is side effect of rot and decay. today, july 15th, 2025, i felt the maggots crawling in my stomach and i became certain that it is soon to be the ultimate end for me. a body soon to be naught. i was scared to shower after the 28th from the fear that my skin would finally fall off and everyone would see me as the dead body i know to be true that i am. the people i do not like see right through me as though i am not there. the ones who still respond and acknowledge my existence can see my ghost because they are special to me. i feel as though i need to vomit but nothing is fucking coming up - presumably because i have no working stomach anymore. the food i eat rots with me. when i shed my skin and pull my shapes together to become something the masses can view as human through temporary means of willpower only a dead person can possess, i expell what exits me. and then i try to vomit. and i try to vomit. and i try to vomit. and it never comes, no matter how far i shove shedding fingers down my two dry throat. my skin is peeling off and there is blood every time. no one ever drained me of my fluids. this is why i drain myself regularly now - a walking corpse can't walk if it is top heavy as i had been, with the fluids no coroner got to flooding my brain and tipping me over. i attribute the brain fog to my medicine when the ones who don't know i'm dead ask what is happening. i can't break the news, can't break their hearts, can't tell them that i bled out in my roommate's brother's bedroom weeks ago and the only reason i'm walking is the power to see a spirit and the will of piloting a dead creature in a convincing way. i'm playing weekend at bernie's with my fucking self.

my roommate refuses to let me starve, not realizing yet that i am dead despite the many times i have insisted and told her. she does not understand that the rot is neccessary for me to pass on. she is in denial and i do not know how to break her out of it without breaking her heart.

at this point i could write a fucking guidebook. "how to somewhat convincingly pretend to be a living human when you are neither living nor human". "how to use your spectral energy to pilot yourself to keep the ones you love from grieving". "trying to discreetly and gradually rot so you're gone before no one notices. for dummies!". it's all so fucking dull and drab and dumb and trite. what am i even doing, making it gradual, making it subtle? i should make the rot obvious and distracting and disgusting so that the friends who respond with concern or laughter, the aforementioned, have no choice but to face the facts and acknowledge that they can't save me, not anymore. i should cut the ports for my fluid drainage deeper and let it seep onto the floor, make it a mess so that my roommate's family knows that the real horror in this house has been the dead body they are housing. i should change all of my social media accounts to memorials, deleting the ones i can't. i should purge all my video game accounts, hand them to people who can make better use of all the in game money i bought and didn't use as a foolish 20 year old. but i don't. i can't. it's my duty as the world's number one people pleaser to pass over gradually and let everything disappear bit by bit until they notice my glassy eyes and blood drained veins slipping out of the spaces they are supposed to sit nicely. my family doesn't know i'm dead and they never will. i don't have a family to know i'm dead. my deadname is the name they used on my grandfather's obituary. it's okay, though, they didn't know. hopefully when regan has to bury me she'll make sure they know i legally changed it. my name will look extra pretty on the headstone.

if i do not completely wither away by the end of august, i am going to have to speed up the process.