methods of feeling alive

i have picked up things that make me feel alive

even if it's not true.

you may see the name of this section and it is indeed as simple as that. lust makes me feel alive. i don't even get that many physical effects from being horny anymore - perhaps a side effect of decaying? but nevertheless, lust still pierces the barrier of brain fog put onto my maggot infested brain. i still perk up enough to have a response when someone says one of the phrases that used to get my gears going. muscle memory firing in synapses. i whore myself out for any of my friends that think it's funny to make me horny and leave me high and dry, because it's the only feeling outside of the process of death that i seem to still be able to process. i've recently found out that i do, indeed, like men, and that it isn't always as complex as petplay, because someone calling me 'adorable' and 'love' is all it takes to have me squirming in my seat. bury me with a vibrator, i'm sure i'll still get use from it underground.

and then i make the mistake of letting the chemicals firing weakly between untethered and unconnected wires bring me to the conclusion that i should be in love the second someone uses possessive language towards me. they don't mean it. he doesn't mean it. i am the dead body they are playing necrophiliac with- using something dead to get their rocks off, knowing it has no heartbeat and whispering out how well it's taking this treatment. i love to be used. i wish i didn't want to be loved. i am so painfully unaware that i am not meant to be loved.

i don't think he even jacks off to me. i think he just has fun listening to me get my fingers wet thinking about him. i don't think i mind. i think attention is what the remaining bits of my essence crave more than anything. what good is a funeral if no one is there to witness the burial?